Living With Regret
I really try not to regret anything. I always believed in being ‘kind’ to myself and knowing 100% that I did the best I could in every given situation. I believed that if I could go back and live my life all over again, I would do it all the same way because I made the best decisions I could based on the information I had at that moment.
I guess I still believe that. But it’s no longer 100%. More like 80% – maybe, on a good day.
My personal regrets
I really wish I could have graduated university. The first time, or the second. I wish I had been strong enough to see the course through. Both times I had some serious issues going on outside of the course and both times I admitted defeat and threw in the towel… telling myself that my mental health and general wellbeing were more important than any degree.
I dropped out last year and took a job in September as a Literary Teaching Assistant. Had I continued with the course and graduated this year, I might still be a Teaching Assistant come September, but it would be whilst I worked on being a fully fledged actual qualified teacher.
Of course now I tell myself that I enjoy my job and that I want to be a full-time writer anyway. Not a teacher. That kids are horrible and bosses are terrible. But, the truth is, I enjoy making a difference in young people’s lives. I like passing on my wisdom and watching as they take my advice to improve their literacy skills.
I think I would have enjoyed teaching English – at least most of the time.
It’s so easy to think about what was not and not what is.
I have published five books of my own in the last 4 years and I have three more in the works. I have also published four other authors and helped to make their dreams come true. I have achieved every single writing goal I had set myself before I was published and many after the fact. I have earned enough from my writing to purchase a MacBook and pay a few bills. I have also sold books in around 10 different countries and I am sometimes recognised out on the street due to school visits and book signings.
And yet, I’m not happy!
I wonder what that says about me as a person, as a creative being?
I think it shows that I am never satisfied with what I have – I always want to be better and I’m always setting myself new targets and goals. I am never complacent. That’s a positive I think. And I think the people I aspire to probably have similar mindsets.
BUT, it may mean that I’m never happy. Not long-term anyway. Maybe happy to reach a goal. But never happy with the way things are.
I am going to choose to look at the positive and try to think of ways to remind myself how far I have come. I’m thinking something like calendar reminders of things like book publishing anniversaries.
I do have regrets. But if I take ownership of the life I have instead of the hypothetical life I could’ve had then I think I’ll be happier.
I find it’s all too easy to focus on the negatives and from now on, I’m going to strive to find the positives. Probably.